74: Retaliation: The Disconnection Dance and Losing Strategy

Couples Therapist and coach Jason Polk explains how retaliation in relationships—making a partner feel bad because they made you feel bad—creates a negative pattern that keeps couples disconnected. 

He argues retaliation doesn’t build closeness, protect from hurt, or effectively teach, and can instead foster resentment, fear, and lead to controlling dynamics such as an “authoritarian dictator” stance met by a passive, submissive, or resistant rebel stance, increasing stress and disconnection. 

Polk notes retaliation may be learned in childhood from retaliating parents and urges listeners to recognize it as a reflex and respond as a mature, wise adult. 

He recommends working with the anger that protects hurt feelings and communicating calmly from a centered place, naming the hurt and making a clear request (e.g., asking the behavior not to happen again) to promote openness and connection.

00:00 Retaliation Defined
00:46 Why It Disconnects
01:51 Control And Stances
03:32 Where It Comes From
04:17 Wise Adult Response
04:54 How To Say It
05:47 Closing Encouragement

Jason offers marriage counseling and couples intensives in Denver, CO. Click the link to his couples therapy practice. 

Transcript

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Okay, so today's episode is called You Hurt Me, So I Hurt You: Why Retaliation Keeps Couples Disconnected welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. I did that one really mean behavior because you did that one thing I thought was mean. Do you and your partner do this? If so, congratulations. Well, not really. When not at your best, you or your partner use the losing strategy of retaliation. So what is retaliation? Retaliation is essentially you made me feel bad, so I'm gonna make you feel bad The reason why it's a losing strategy is that it keeps you two in a negative pattern and leaves the relationship disconnected. What retaliation doesn't do? Retaliation does not prime your partner for more closeness and connection. It also doesn't protect you from frustration or hurt. It's a poor way to teach your partner. To illustrate, I'm gonna show you how this hurt feels in hopes that you avoid that behavior in the future. In fact, it's a mean way to teach. If your partner avoids a certain behavior after you have retaliated, quote-unquote, taught them, the chances of your partner building resentment increases. They could also start to fear your responses, which does not foster openness and forthcomingness. This may cause you to move into another losing strategy, which is control. And side note, if taken to the extreme, it puts you in a stance of authoritarian dictator, where you have a set of rules and dole out punishment if they are broken. And if your partner goes along with this, they may adopt a passive, submissive stance and not truly be open to you or be their true self. As a result, you don't have a truly authentic partner. You have compliance, a less happy partner, and more disconnection in the relationship. And in relational life therapy, we use the term stance, stance equals dance. And so to illustrate this, the disconnection dance here is authoritarian dictator meets passive submissive subject, and that is not a very enjoyable dance. And if they don't go along with your authoritarian dictator dance, your partner's stance may be that of resistant rebel, fighting you at every opportunity, which can lead to more stress and a dance of disconnection in the relationship When engaging in retaliation, you are trying to feel better in the moment at the expense of getting better. It's an eye for an eye approach to relationships that keeps you in a negative pattern and leaves the relationship disconnected. As one couples therapist, Belinda Real, said, "It's a perverse form of communication. I'm gonna hurt you, so you know how it felt when you hurt me." Doing something different, and that is really important. Perhaps this was a means of communication you experienced growing up. Maybe your parents took some of your childlike behaviors personally. For example, thinking that if you as a kid didn't listen, it meant you didn't respect them. Then your parent tries to hurt you emotionally, physically to get the respect, which as you know, only builds resentment. If this form of communication was experienced and modeled growing up, you may do the same. If so, it's important to recognize this as a reflex, and now it's your responsibility to respond as the mature, wise adult you are. Because if you do, you will feel better and get more of what you really want in the relationship, closeness and less disconnection. You will also get something you may not want, and that is less self-protection or, you'll lose invulnerability when your partner lets you down or when you don't get what you want, and it leads to openness. It could lead to some rawness, but doing something different is to start working with the anger that's protecting your hurt feelings. The question is: Can you speak as a representative of the anger and not from it? This is challenging and is the practice of a wise adult. Simply put, it sounds something like this. "You know, when you did that one behavior, that hurt. I would like you to not do that again." There's also a difference between saying from a centered, calm place, "I'm angry with you." It's different than yelling from an uncentered place, "I'm angry with you!" And so your partner can hear the former. They can hear when you reach for the feelings below the anger and share that. Instead of retaliating and triggering their hurt and then their defenses, you allow them to understand and feel your hurt if they are open to it. If you request at the end of your statement, you are also helping them help you. For example, I would like for you not to do that again. And this approach makes it much more likely that you will get what you want and they will hear you. So in conclusion, conceptually this makes sense, but it's not easy to do. Especially if you grew up in an angry, retaliating household, you have your work cut out for you. But by fostering the wise adult part of you, you can do something different, more relational, and that could actually begin to heal those younger hurt parts of you. As always, thank you so much for listening and checking this out.