69: 6 Signs You Need to See A Couples Therapist

Episode Summary: In this episode, Jason Polk, a couples therapist with over 10 years of experience, shares the six key signs that indicate it might be time to seek couples therapy. He explains why seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and offers practical examples and personal insights.

Six Signs It's Time for Couples Therapy:

1. Constant Fighting: Recurring arguments over both small and big issues, often with deeper cycles beneath the surface.
2. Constant Avoidance: Lack of communication and emotional distance, which can be more damaging than fighting.
3. Deep Resentment & Contempt: Sharing resentment without boundaries, leading to defensiveness and a cycle of blame.
4. Mistrust: Persistent uneasiness, anxiety, or infidelity that undermines trust in the relationship.
5. Lack of Connection: Not making time to connect, which can amplify annoyances and distance.
6. Inability to Repair After Conflict: Struggling to reconnect or be vulnerable after disagreements.

Key Takeaways:

• Couples therapy is a proactive step toward a healthier relationship.
• Repairing after conflict and maintaining connection are essential skills.
• Even therapists benefit from couples therapy!

Mentioned in This Episode:

• Episode 66: More on repairing after conflict
• Personal stories and examples from Jason’s own relationship

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, consider contacting a couples therapist. Remember, seeking help is a sign of hope and commitment to growth.

Couples Therapy in Colorado

Thanks for listening!

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Transcript

0:00

As you may know, I'm a couples therapist and I want to share six signs that is time for couples therapy and why it's a strength, not a weakness. But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. So we all know that relationships are challenging at times and it's. Not clear to know when our problems have reached a point where we need professional help. And so here are six signs is time for couples therapy? Number one, constantly fighting. No one likes to fight, and a small thing may spoil a night out. I see this often. For example, we're having such a good night. Then we started arguing over who cleaned the counters last night and then our night was ruined. Or couples may find themselves in big fights on core issues that never seem to disappear. And common examples are money, sex, mess, and in-laws. Couples therapy is important here because couples need to understand more about what triggers each partner. Usually there's a deeper cycle under the fighting that couples therapists can make explicit and give couples a roadmap out of. So for example, you may be arguing about money, but chances are it's deeper. I don't know if you ever saw the movie, um, it's a funny movie, what had American Summer, but there is a, the lunch. Not the lunch lady. The lunch man. Um, the guy who oversaw the cafeteria for the summer camp, he so ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking about this right now, but basically he trained one of the main characters to kind of be a better person. And he said it's about the girl, but it isn't. So I just wasted like 45 seconds to tell you. It may be about the money. But it isn't. It's usually something deeper and a skilled couples therapist can point that out. So number two, that is time to go to couples therapy. Perhaps you're constantly avoiding, and this can be worse than constantly fighting because we're fighting, at least we're communicating. And this is a big problem because when we don't know what's going on with our partner, we make things up. And when we make things up, it's always negative. For example, if I don't know where my wife is mentally, I don't think, you know, she must be reflecting on how much she loves me. Nope. I think the worst. If couples have gotten used to avoiding, there's no outlet to disprove such thoughts. This is a very difficult and painful situation for couples to be in. If you two, find yourself here. Couples therapy is recommended ASAP because what they say, the opposite of love is not hate. But the opposite of love is disinterest. I know there's a better way to say it, or apathy, and it's not quite apathy, but the opposite of love is not even caring. Right. I don't even care enough to fight with you. I'm just so emotionally checked out, and so that is not a good place to be. In Number three, there's deep resentment and it's shared contemptuously. So it's shared with absolutely no speaking boundary. If we resent our partner, we don't give them the benefit of the doubt, then eventually we start to view everything they do as a way of being vindictive. And if we can contemptuously share our resentment, our partner begins reacting to that energy by defending themselves or giving it back to us. Contemptuous sharing does not make our partner more receptive. Then what's behind our resentment never gets properly acknowledged, validated, and work through with our partner because our partner is just on the defense. And then eventually you'll get on the offense and you'll start pointing out everything that your partner does wrong. So it's kind of like a tit for tat I do that. Oh, yeah. Well, you do this and it's not a good place to be, and trust me, I've been there. There's mistrust. This is number four. There may be good reasons for mistrust in your relationship. However, if it's not properly addressed, it can create more problems. Mistrust creates uneasiness and anxiety to deal with that anxiety. We may become detectives or constantly questioning our partner. Without agreements on how to work through mistrust, couples may be stuck in a difficult place. And here's a big one too. It's infidelity and that creates mistrust a hundred percent. And a couple's therapist can help you to get on the right track to recover from the infidelity, which leads to mistrust. And I know we can do an episode on that in regards to recovering from infidelity, but with a skilled couples therapist who has experience working through infidelity that can be very important for couples and ultimately can transform your relationship into a better place than it was before. Number five, you don't make time to connect. Connection prevents a lot of problems. If you two were to focus on connecting and spending more quality time together, you could probably avoid the need to see a couple's therapist because if we feel connected to our partner, their natural annoyances. Are not as loud. For example, if I'm feeling connected with Jess, my wife, I don't care how much or how often she leaves her coats and socks on the floor, I don't nag or remind her. Um, not that I do that anyway because it's not helpful if I need to bring up the mess, however, I will do so in a respectful way and not if I'm tired. Nevertheless, if we're feeling connected, I give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she's super busy and doing her best, and I might even do something like picking them up for her problem solved. And number six, you don't know how to repair after conflict. Repair is big, and I would recommend episode number 66 because I talk about repair more in depth in that episode. Conflict happens in every relationship. When we know how to repair, we can feel confident when conflict arises. Repairing means regaining connection, and one way to do so is to share what was underneath your anger or frustration. For example, I felt blank, sad, hurt, scared when blank incident happened. And that is a quick example of vulnerability and you're leading by offering something for your partner to hear and connect with. In the spirit of improving things like you can't repair, if you're leading with anger, you have to be softer. And so if you identify with any of these six signs. It is wise for you to seek couples therapy. Going to couples therapy does not mean you're broken or flawed. It's a sign of strength and hope. As you know, the relationship can improve and you're willing to work on it. I firmly believe couples therapy should be required for anyone as a great place to learn how to communicate, get on the same page, and work through difficulties, and nothing is more challenging than being in an intimate relationship. And so we often need help. In personal disclosure, Jess and I, we've gone to a lot of couples therapy ourself, and we have greatly benefited. Thanks for listening.