66: Repair, what it means and why it's so hard

In this episode of 'Solving Disconnection and Creating Connected Relationships for Couples and Parents,' therapist and coach Jason Polk delves into the importance of repair in relationships, why it's challenging, and how to effectively navigate it. Polk explains the concept of repair as restoring relationships after conflicts and discusses two main barriers: ego and lack of skills. He shares personal insights and strategies, including the importance of repairing in the moment and post-conflict methods like offering a sincere apology and sharing vulnerability. He emphasizes that repair is vital for healthy relationships and provides practical advice for couples to enhance their connection. Listeners are encouraged to prioritize repair over ego for the sake of their relationships and families.

00:00 Introduction and Welcome
00:28 Understanding Conflict and Repair
01:11 The Role of Ego in Repair
03:39 Repairing in the Moment
05:15 Repairing After a Fight
08:00 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Feedback Wheel PDF

This episode was inspired by this blog: The Art of Repair: What It Means and Why It's So Hard

Transcript

 Hey, everyone. Today I want to talk about repair, what it means and why it's so hard to do But first I'm going    📍 to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and  those of our amazing guests. 

all relationships encounter conflict and challenges. If couples never experience conflict, that can be a problem as one or both partners may be avoiding it and not living authentically.

It is crucial to focus on minimizing conflict in your relationship, and it's equally important to resolve issues quickly and effectively after conflict arises, also known as repair. So what does it mean to repair

in this context, repairing means restoring the relationship. It involves resolving conflict and restoring the relationship to a state of connection and harmony. As a couples therapist, I found that there are two primary impediments to repair. Number one is our ego, and number two is knowing how to repair.

I'm gonna address number one first, and that is our ego. When we're really mad, we may think and feel. It's not me. Who's wrong? It's my partner If only they knew, thought or did blank. In this mindset, we believe it's not us who needs to repair the situation. Rather, it's our partner who should take the initiative to repair.

I've seen couples wait months to address issues or avoid them altogether, and they move on with unresolved problems swept under the rug. When too much is swept under the rug, couples often become distant and withdrawn from one another, or they may quickly snap at each other, essentially perceiving the other as an insensitive jerk.

When couples are here, it's often a problem of a lack of repair. Therefore we must overcome our ego and initiate the repair. Of course, this is easier said than done. I know from experience, however, I often think of one of my favorite quotes from Terry Real, and that is the relational answer to who's right and who's wrong is who cares?

What can we do to fix this? When my wife and I are stuck in this ego impasse, I often think about our kids. For example, I think our kids deserve better. They deserve a household where their parents communicate and resolve issues together in a collaborative manner. They don't deserve this icy coldness between me and their mom.

They also deserve repair from us when we're snappy, judgmental, or yell at them. But that's another topic altogether. When I think about this, it helps me get over my ego and initiate repair with my wife. What motivates me is that it really sucks being cold and snappy towards each other.

So not only do our kids deserve better, but I deserve better too. So next question, how do we repair? Also, I'm gonna break down repair into two categories. Number one is repairing in the moment, and number two is repairing after a fight. So I was talking about after the fight in the context of my wife and I referring to the IC withdrawal in coldness.

But we can also repair in the moment. And this one is tricky, but if we can do it just a little bit, we can avoid a lot of problems.

 We can prevent reaching the icy, withdrawn stage after a fight, for example. If I notice my wife looking hurt or frustrated while I'm speaking to her, I can repair that immediately, such as moving towards her to offer a hug or gentle touch while saying something like, Hey,, I didn't mean it that way, or, I love you so much.

I know we'll get through this. Those are repair actions if you wanna call That ways that I initiate it in the moment. And that requires me to be aware of how my words and actions may be affecting her. And then I communicate through words or actions, such as moving towards her smiling, tilting my head in a non condescending way, basically communicating that, Hey, we're on the same team.

We're all good. But as you know, sometimes we're unable to repair in the moment. And so. What we need to do is repair after there's been some conflict or a fight. One way to do so is to offer a good apology, simply what we do is we acknowledge we've done something wrong, such as, Hey, I am sorry about blank Number two, we convey how that action.

Or what we did must have felt for our partner, for example, when I did that, that must have felt blank. If we can get there and acknowledge that, that can be so powerful. It's sometimes like water in a desert for our partner to hear that they understand how that action affected them. Really important. And then for a bonus.

In terms of a good apology, if we can share a plan on how we're going to avoid that action. We did, for example, I'm really working on avoiding blank, or I'm gonna do more of blank, whatever that is. Another way to repair after the fight is sharing vulnerability. So essentially we're sharing what is below our anger.

Because when we do so, we're giving something for our partner to connect to, thus creating an opportunity for connection. For example, when blank happened, I felt hurt, sad, frustrated, lonely, dismissed. And if you lead with this vulnerability, you are providing an invitation for dialogue and not blame, assuming your partner responds well to this initiation.

Another way to do is using a feedback wheel. I've talked about the feedback wheel on this podcast before, but what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna share a link. To the tool and also a link to the video of my wife and I, quick demonstration of the feedback wheel in action. But essentially what you're doing is you are giving feedback to your partner while being respectful, while staying on your side of the street, for example.

You're not blaming, you're simply expressing how the incident or issue felt for you. And also you're providing your partner with a way to improve the situation by sharing a request and then. The partner who is listening, your job is to not get defensive, to not throw out the yeah buts or share your intention, but you're simply conveying back that you heard your partner, and that is really important.

Basically, what you're doing is you're being intentional about communicating and getting through to each other. So conclusion, repair is the heartbeat of a healthy relationship because we are imperfect people, creatures, humans. Whatever you want, however you want to say it, we're gonna screw up. But good news is that we can always come back and repair and try to avoid the screw ups in the future.

The courage to repair, whether in the moment or after a rupture, requires humility, emotional awareness, and a willingness to prioritize connection over our ego. It's hard and our egos may resist it, but when we do, and now we know how to, it's one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. Our  📍 partners and our families.

Thank you so much for listening.

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