64: What is cheating?

Understanding Cheating: Definitions, Impacts, and Pathways to Healing

In this episode of 'Solving Disconnection and Creating Connected Relationships for Couples and Parents,' therapist and coach Jason Polk explores the complex topic of cheating. 

He delves into the different forms of infidelity, including financial and emotional cheating, and emphasizes the importance of explicit agreements between partners. 

Polk also discusses the synonyms and antonyms of cheating and provides insights into how a lack of openness can create a breeding ground for infidelity. 

Key takeaways include the critical role of trust, honesty, and transparency in preventing and recovering from betrayal.

00:00 Introduction to the Show

00:22 Defining Cheating and Infidelity

01:12 Types of Cheating

02:03 Importance of Agreements in Relationships

03:29 Emotional Affairs and Implicit Agreements

05:00 Antonyms of Cheating

05:21 Conditions Leading to Cheating

06:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

This blog inspired this episode: What is considered cheating? 

Transcript

0:00

Hey everyone. Welcome to the show. I want to talk a little bit about cheating and what exactly that is. But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. A common question that comes up in our practice is what exactly is cheating? And foundationally cheating is a betrayal of trust. For this topic, I'm gonna talk about synonyms and antonyms of cheating and infidelity. So first off, the synonym. Of cheating is unfaithfulness, deception, infidelity, betrayal, disloyalty and unfaithfulness. The spirit of cheating and infidelity involves doing something secretly that goes against explicit or implicit agreements, which it discovered could cause pain and lead to a lack of trust and possibly a reevaluation of the relationship. And so there are different types of cheating for instance, and this is a true story, there is financial, infidelity or cheating. if I tell my wife that I'm not gonna use the credit card, but then later reveal to her that I've charged$5,000 to it, that is a form of financial cheating and infidelity. And as I mentioned, that is a true story. The reason for this is that I in violated an explicit agreement. And when I informed her, and obviously it's better to tell her proactively than let her discover it, right? Because then the questions come up, were you gonna tell me? Right? Can I trust you? And when it was discovered, it caused her pain and made her reevaluate whether I am trustworthy or not and agreements are so important for couples because we need to have each other's backs. Stan takin shares in relationships. It's like we're in the foxhole together, we're stronger together, and we provide protection from the outside world. But within the foxhole, within the relationship, we need to be able to trust each other, right? We need to be able to have each other's backs and to know that, to know there's trust, to know there's faithfulness, and so we have more resources for the world. Hey, I know my partner has my back. I don't have to worry about that. And going back to the agreements, as I mentioned, cheating. Can sometimes violate an implicit agreement. For example, we will not seek emotional, physical, or sectional connections outside the relationship. And quick note, as a couple's therapist, I would remind the both of you to make explicit agreement. Because sometimes we don't even share, Hey, you know what cheating is if you have sex with someone outside of a relationship. But I think it's important to make that explicit because sometimes we just assume that's the case. And also what we typically associate with cheating is being physically intimate with someone else. But also, what about emotional affairs? For example, what if there is an implicit agreement and someone sought, pursued and engaged in emotional connection with someone outside the relationship who could be considered a potential partner and then kept that relationship secret? And like I mentioned, a couple may not have explicitly agreed that this is not okay. But suppose the involved partner has hurt the other partner with this connection. And usually it's done by intentionally keeping it a secret. In that case, this can be cheating and as a result. The hurt partner defines what cheating is, even if it hasn't been an explicit agreement, if there's been some deception, if you have kept that from your partner, then the hurt partner may consider this cheating. And again, what's most important is that the hurt partner defines what cheating is an emotional affair., there may be comfort that nothing physical happened, but the her partner may question, may reevaluate the relationship with such questions. Like, well, what if I haven't discovered this? Would if it had gone further? Or, what did you tell them about us? Or taking it further? Were you planning on leaving us the relationship? So let's talk about. The antonyms to cheating. What is the opposite of cheating? And that is loyalty, faithfulness, honesty. Openness, integrity. Again, the main element of cheating is that it was done secretly, so the other person would not find out. And let me share as a couple's therapist. Conditions that can create a breeding ground for cheating. And that is when partners are not open to each other and have drifted into roommate status. And this can create a breeding ground for partners to seek connection and intensity outside the relationship. Additionally, they may behave in ways that would hurt the other if discovered and often justifying their actions by rationalizing that they aren't getting what they wanted from the relationship anyway. And if you're in this situation, I recommend you go to therapy so you can negotiate your wants and needs in the current relationship and bring intensity to the relationship that way. And if cheating is discovered, couples therapy for infidelity can significantly increase the chances of recovery and fostering of a better relationship, provided there's motivation to do so. And so in conclusion, whether it's financial dishonesty, emotional secrecy, or physical infidelity. The court issue remains the same, is that cheating is a deception that undermines the foundation of the relationship, and it was done secretly, and it may have violated explicit or implicit agreements between partners and the hurt partner is who defines whether it's cheating or not, and the opposite of cheating, honesty, transparency, mutual respect are essential in preventing betrayal and obviously fostering a healthy, secure bond. And also honesty, transparency, openness are what are essential if you wish to recover from infidelity, and those are what is needed to recover. And they are also the antidote to cheating and infidelity. Thank you so much for listening. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information