63: What Is the Purpose of Marriage?

Jason explores the purpose of marriage beyond initial infatuation and love chemicals. 

He explains that marriage is an essential emotional refuge and economic partnership, providing a place for vulnerability, acceptance, and the sharing of resources. 

Jason discusses typical relationship dynamics like the pursue-withdraw cycle and how past experiences shape our partner interactions. 

He emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the relationship to foster connection and joy. Through understanding and intentional effort, marriage can bring resilience and confidence. By succeeding as a team, it can make life more enjoyable and less expensive.

00:00 Introduction to the Show
00:25 The Science of Love and Monogamy
01:07 Impact of Upbringing on Relationships
02:40 Purpose of Marriage
03:17 Emotional and Economic Benefits of Marriage
04:57 Challenges in Marriage
06:17 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

To read the blog that inspired this episode, you can check out: What's the Purpose of Marriage? A Marriage Counselor's Perspective.

Click here to learn more about Jason's couples therapy agency.

Transcript

0:00

Today, I want to talk about what is the purpose of marriage. But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests So we are not necessarily wired for long term monogamy. when we first get together with someone, our brains are awash with chemicals that make us feel high and infatuated. And we often think, dang, this is awesome. It's going to be like this forever. But the problem is it doesn't last. And one of my mentors, Stan Takins, says that, you know, nature is more interested in procreation and not super interested in monogamy because those love chemicals wear off in about a year or two. And that's where our work begins. And as you know, if you listen to his podcast, um, You know, I talk about, we revert to old relationship templates, the ones we learned from our upbringing, when the love chemicals wear off. Again, the idea too is that there's so much going on in our brain, you know, Stan Tacken says we couldn't keep all that up, right? It's just too intense. And so, once we really get to know the person, he says we relate to them like they are deep family. And again, we use the templates we gained from being in our family. And that's how we show up in the relationship, when the love chemicals wear off. So, for example, if we spent a lot of time alone and experienced little conflict growing up, this would show up in our marriage as generally withdrawal or conflict avoidance. If conflict was expressed openly, And parents were sometimes inconsistent. This could manifest in the marriage as someone more interested in pursuing. Maybe even angrily pursuing. And this is a very common cycle. We call it the pursue withdrawal cycle, but often it's important to work with a marriage counselor because we can help you break free from that. We can help you see that cycle and then break free from that because it is a very common cycle that is rooted in our upbringing. So coming back, what is the purpose of marriage? I believe it is essentially to pull resources to increase the likelihood of survival. And from an economic perspective, married couples filing jointly enjoy tax advantages in the United States. They also benefit from enhanced purchasing power for a home. And also there's built in support for raising kids. You know, there's two of us. In theory, we can also use our family, but sometimes family is not always around. Nevertheless, as a marriage counselor, I look at the purpose of marriage as being an emotional refuge. Ideally, you have a place to be vulnerable and share what's real for you. I call vulnerability as Sharing what's really real. And this can lighten the load and make you feel connected as a result. It's like, oh my gosh my partner heard me, my partner sees me, and I'm not being judged as a result, but I'm receiving connection and support. And that's really cool. And side note, that's one of the benefits of therapy, or one of the benefits of going to a group. You share what's real, and you get validation and support. And, side note too, Brene Brown says the shame can't survive in the light, and that's another reason for sharing vulnerability, to bring it out, oh, okay, you hear me, I don't feel as bad. Also, marriage is a place to be you, and be accepted, it's a place to be seen and heard, as I mentioned, and it's a space for giving and receiving love. It's also a place to have fun. Oh yeah, and physical touch and sex are also nice as well. As I mentioned in this blog, Stan Taken, author of several relationship books, says, It's as if you two are in a foxhole together. You have each other's backs and are stronger together. So in marriage, you combine both your economic and emotional resources. And another question comes up. So why is marriage so hard at times? And as mentioned, when the love chemicals wear off, we can sometimes get trapped in a negative cycle, rooted in our past experiences. And also another reason, between work, kids, personal life, exercise, personal development, our relationship often ends up being the last thing to get our attention. And as a result, Our marriage can wither a little bit and become challenging. And so if we give our relationship more intention and effort and do not put it at the end of our priority list, it often feels better and becomes a source of confidence instead of a burden. And I can relate to that 100 percent when Jess, my wife, And I even just give 10, 15 minutes just to talk and connect. It makes things so much easier because when we are feeling that connection, our partner's natural annoyances become a less loud, right? Um, that's one reason to connect. And also it feels better. Also, we know what's going on with our partner because when we don't know what's going on with our partner, we make things up. And when we make things up, it's usually. so in conclusion, when we prioritize our relationship and we nurture emotional safety and we break free from the negative cycles, marriage is a source of joy, resilience. And consequently, we gain greater confidence and energy to slay those dragons in our everyday life. So ultimately, the purpose of marriage as I see it is fairly straightforward. Life is more enjoyable and less expensive when both partners combine their financial and emotional resources to succeed together as a team. Thanks for listening. 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