60: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples)

Sex can be a powerful way to connect, but for many men, it's often the only way they're taught to access vulnerability and emotional closeness. 

This can create a rub, especially when partners need emotional intimacy to feel open to physical intimacy.

In this blog, we break down the dynamics of intimacy using the metaphor of a wedding cake.

Couples thrive when they intentionally build each layer tier of the cake. 

Listen to discover how to strengthen your relationship, deepen intimacy, and foster connection beyond sex.

This episode is in blog form: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples).

For the blog on how to start with awareness of feelings, go here: Get in Touch With Your Feelings.

Transcript

Jason: 0:00

From emotional to sexual intimacy, a guide for males and couples.

0:04

But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests.

Jason: 0:28

Sex is a way to connect in a vulnerable, intimate way. It creates closeness and feelings of love. Um, this sort of intimacy is not readily available for us males outside of sex in our culture. So this creates a problem. Culturally us males are not encouraged to be vulnerable and pursue emotional intimacy in relationships. So sex is sometimes the only way to do so. And this can create a rub because the female partner and I'm using a heterosexual example here. Is generally more open to sex. If there is emotional intimacy and safety in the relationship. If the female partner doesn't feel emotionally connected. They are usually not as interested in sex at the same time, male, still that connection with sex. And often don't know how to, or want to initiate emotional intimacy. Here's the fix. And this is where a couples therapists like myself can guide you through this discrepancy. A sex therapist, colleague and friend Jenelle Washburn. And she's actually been on this podcast episode number 37. Called, how can we have more sex? With your partner. She wants told our team of therapists and the case consultation. Sexual issues, our relationship issues. And she shared this frame that I'm using when helping couples navigate sexual discrepancies. And this metaphor is a wedding cake. Imagine a tiered wedding cake. This cake represents the different layers of intimacy. But first before we build a cake, we need to have a table. And that table represents trust, commitment, safety, which are essential for an intimacy. When the table is there. The first layer we build is emotional intimacy. So what is emotional intimacy? Emotional intimacy involves sharing our vulnerability. And authenticity while hearing and validating those of our partner. So it's sharing and then listening and receiving and validating that. Of our partner. And this involves sharing our feelings, fears, imperfections. And also, uh, understanding and validating those of our partner. When this emotional intimacy tear is there. It's easier to put physical intimacy on top of that. And a question is, so why do we start with emotional intimacy? Maybe if you're a male, you're like, well, that's not fair. I don't exactly know how to do emotional intimacy. And so if you're a male And you don't really know how to do emotional intimacy or not super into it. I'm going to share a link to one of my older blogs called get in touch with your feelings. And I'm going to put that link in the show notes. We start with emotional intimacy because that is how you know, your partner and how your partner knows you. When we don't know what's going on with our partner, we assume. When we assume we assume in the negative. For example, if my wife isn't talking to me, I don't think she must be reflecting on how much he loves me. In fact it's the opposite. I'm wondering what did I do? Or what's the problem or what's going on with her? And that is one reason emotional intimacy is so important. So, you know, each other. So I know what's going on with my wife, so my wife knows what's going on with me. And emotional intimacy. Is also sharing what is beneath our anger. If we feel resentment or anger towards our partner. We are less likely to be sexually intimate with them. And so we need to think about. What are the feelings underneath my anger? Right. What are those vulnerable feelings that my anger is protecting? And where we can share those instead of leading with anger. We're able to repair. We're able to spend less time in angry resentment. And so practicing emotional intimacy in this way. Is a great place to start. For us males who. Are often cut off from this way of connecting and that is connecting emotionally. So if you're a male. Imagine feeling closeness and love without having to rely on sex from your partner. So what I'm saying, there's. Way to feel connection and closeness and intimacy. Without sex. Now I'm not saying don't have sex. Of course, I'm a couples therapist. I have sex. It's enjoyable. I'm a male. I enjoy sex, but there's also other ways to connect. When emotional intimacy exists. The next tier of the wedding cake is physical intimacy. And I defined physical intimacy as initiating. Appreciating non-sexual touch such as handholding, hugging, cuddling, et cetera. And then when these two tears are there emotional. And then physical intimacy. Then we put sexual intimacy on top of that. So sexual intimacy is like the third tier of the wedding cake. Couples who have created. The intimacy and safety to talk about sex. Are more likely to have sex, right. And sex that creates feelings of connection and love. When couples can talk about sex. You can answer the question. What makes you more open to sex? Right? What gets in the way? What are the things that turn you on? What turns your partner on. So having the safety. And the emotional intimacy and trust. To be able to talk about sex. Is a huge step towards having more sex and having enjoyable sex. So when I'm saying here using a wedding cake analogy, Is that trust emotional and physical intimacy. Are the foundational pieces for a more fulfilling sexual connection. And for us males embracing emotional vulnerability. Is. Especially important for having more sex. But also for fostering closeness. Beyond the bedroom and so if you think about different ways of connecting. And starting with emotional connection. As the foundation. It's easier to put physical intimacy. And then sexual intimacy. on top of that. So there is a tiered wedding cake. metaphor to having more sex. And as always, I hope this helps. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information