59: How to Fall Back in Love With Your Partner

Do you two feel like roommates? Or cost-sharing-associates?

Have you and your partner drifted into feeling more like roommates than lovers?

Just co-parents?

Or “cost-sharing-associates?”

It’s easy for the initial spark to dim as time passes, but rekindling it is possible.

This quick episode talks about how to reconnect and feel love again.

I also share why you two have drifted apart, how to break the cycle of disconnection, and how couples therapists help couples do just that.

One of our favorite quotes from Terry Real is:

“Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.”

I share how you two can intentionally foster intimacy and how you can be that passionate couple again!

This blog inspired this episode. 

Transcript

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Hey, what's up everyone today. I'm going to talk about how to fall back in love with your partner. So check it out. Now let's introduce the show.. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. Couples often come to our practice feeling like roommates or just co-parents. Although they have been married to for years and have had passionate times. And vacations together. One couple, in fact shared with me, we are cost sharing associates. As the love and the spark between them had died down. at least they're nice to each other. I mean, associates is not so bad, but. Uh, being in a relationship, being married. I feel like we all need more. We all deserve more. We all need more than just having a cost sharing associate. Or a roommate. And some couples need clarification about how they got there as it was so easy initially. And sparked flu. You remember the first time you were together with your partner? How exciting. And that was how novel, how new that was. That's what happens. And so it leads to the next question of. How did we get here? Why did we become roommates? Right. Or why do we become resentful fighters? That is a good question. And so going back to the beginning. To the initial phase of the relationship. It's about within the first year or so. During this time, our brain is full of feel good chemicals that keep us captivated with our mate. And people explain the reason for this is because nature is more concerned about coming together. And procreating because those infatuation chemicals will wear off to conserve energy. And then our partner moves from the most intriguing thing in the world to deep family. And I was reading a reason for this Stan Tatkin and one of my mentors. He said, if our brains stayed in that infatuation stage, then we'd fry them. He says it costs too much energy. To be in that state. And so what nature does to conserve energy, what our brain does to conserve energy. We automate that person and they become deep family. And when this happens, we revert to the relationship template we had growing up, or in other words, The relationship template. That was formed growing up. And so this is where the work comes in. For example. Was one or both of your parents judgmental towards each other or judgmental towards you? If so you may share that same judgment towards your partner or also you may have that same judgment and criticalness towards yourself. Was one or both of your parents and anxious people pleaser. Or an angry grudge holder. If so you may be overly concerned about others being mad at you. You know, maybe that angry grudge holder. Father. Really got to you. And so you people please. At the cost of your wants and needs. you know, If you're a people pleaser for too long, eventually you're going to become a resentful people, pleaser or eventually you become a passive aggressive martyr. So that's one way of looking at it. Whatever the case is. It's essential to identify the dance that you to get into as a couple. We call it the dance of disconnection. So you can spend less time there. And create the space to fall back in love with each other. Again. And this is how us as couples therapists help. As a couples therapist. The. First place we usually start is to help you to identify your dance and then give you a plan for staying out of it. And so first as couples therapists, we ask a lot of questions. To really understand the dance or another way of saying it is the more, the more, the more you do this, the more they knew that. And then that is your dance. Or we say the stance, stance, dance, for example, you can be a tantruming controller meets. A immature teenager. Maybe not the best analogy. But those are the stances and then the negative dance that results. That's what we want to fix. And that's what we help you two identify. And like I said, give you a plan to spend less time there. And you may feel like roommates, as I mentioned in the beginning. If you have spent too much time in that negative dance. Without repairing it. And so a way it's like, why try. Right. You know, it stinks so on this going to withdraw. And we're going to be roommates, cost sharing associates. Co-parents, whatever that is. So. We give you two a plan to spend less time there. And we also help you to know how to repair, to move back into love and connection. For example, maybe there's been a fight or you two are in disconnection. Maybe withdrawn. Or maybe you two are fighting. Um, bickering at each other. Whatever it is one way to repair. Is to lead with vulnerability. And then in sharing, what is below your anger? Because you are giving your partner something to connect with. For example. I felt. Totally devalued. When you called your mom, instead of telling me about this issue. Whatever it is. But you are leading. With what is below the anger, because your partner can hear that. They can't really hear anger. They just react to it. And. Via vulnerability. That is a way to emotionally connect. And so then you have a dialogue, then you two are talking about it. So it's important to repair. Sometimes repair doesn't have to be. Like that it could just be a simple hug. A simple, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. Right. You know, whatever that is, but it's really important to repair. And then maintaining love and connection. When you two are spending less time in your dance. Then the work is to be active. In maintaining love and connection. One of my favorite quotes from Terry real is intimacy is not something you have, but something you do. As a couples therapist, we remind you too, that it is vital to know what makes you feel loved. And also what makes your partner feel loved? So for example, is it physical or sexual intimacy? Generally for males. If this is one of the top ones. Primarily sexual intimacy. Generally for females, it is emotional. Intimacy or it can also be spiritual intimacy. Things that can make you feel love. Is it being able to talk to each other about anything? Is it simply spending time together? Or maybe doing things nice for each other. Is it simply conveying to each other that you matter? What is most important is that. You know, the answers to these questions personally. Like you knew these answers and then you share them with your partner. And then when you both had that information, Knowing what makes each other feel love? Then you do it. I know that super simple. It's good. That it's simple. And so falling back in love with your partner. Is an endeavor that involves awareness. Intentional effort and a willingness to break old patterns. By addressing patterns. from the past. And learning to repair. And intentionally. Doing what makes each other feel love? I have seen couples rediscover the love, the passion, that connection. The intimacy. That brought you together in the first place. So intimacy is an active practice. And by taking this steps. You can be that passionate couple. That loves each other deeply. Thank you so much for listening. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information