58: What are psychological boundaries and what do they mean for you?

This episode discusses functional, psychological boundaries and what is not. 

What are not functional boundaries? They are if we are behind walls or boundaryless. 

We will define that and what physiological boundary violations are.

This will also encourage you to reflect on your boundaries as well.

Here's the link to the chart I mentioned.

You can learn more about our couples therapy practice.

Transcript

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Hey, what's everyone today. I want to talk about psychological boundaries and that may seem like a fancy term. But it's not really. But first I'm going to introduce the show. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. I look at boundaries more as personal boundaries. I know typically. Culturally, we view boundaries as what I called limits. Like the limits we set with others. For example, if you start yelling at me, I am going to walk away. You know, that is called a limit or. Pretty much, we call that a boundary, but whatever works, for sake of clarity, I want to talk about personal boundaries. In particular psychological boundaries in terms of protective and containing. And don't worry, I'm going to explain this. So if you picture an orange. And orange peel. The shiny part of the orange is the protective or listening boundary, the white part of the orange. Is the containing and the speaking boundary. What we want our functional boundaries in regards to our protective slash listening boundary, as well as our containing. Slash speaking boundary. So if we have no boundaries in terms of our protective. And listening boundary. Basically, we're completely reactive to other people's thoughts and emotions we take into blame. Another word for this is we are thin skinned. Like if someone gives us some negative feedback, It really affects our core. And that is having no boundaries. Okay. Having no boundaries in regards to containing or speaking. Or the white part of the orange is not functional. We say whatever comes to our mind and we don't contain our emotions. And we give to blame. And sometimes people will say this well, it's just how I feel. Yeah, but how it sounded was very, very harsh and you put your partner down. With not having a containing or speaking boundary. When we're like this, you know, it's hard for us to receive feedback and we share whatever comes to our mind. And I just want to share, Some psychological boundary violations. And so this is particularly if you're struggling with your containing or speaking part. Uh, basically any sort of psychological boundary violation. Is yelling, screaming. Um, contempt. Attacking your partners character. Name calling shaming humiliating. And here's another one is telling your partner what they should think feel or do. Another way to say that is control. For example. You're not hurt. You're just mad. Or an extreme example. You can't talk to the member of the opposite sex. So those would be boundary violations that occur. If our containing or speaking boundary is not intact. And let me share. Walls. So the opposite of no boundaries is we are behind walls. So putting that into our protective and listening boundary. Like be behind walls. It's never listening. To what is important to others. You avoid empathy. So basically you're not hearing anything. You may be sitting right next to your partner, but you're not taking in anything that they say. And. If you are behind walls in regards to your containing or speaking boundary. You don't tell others about you. You don't share what's going on with you and so someone who is behind walls, the boundary violations. Are less obvious compared to someone who we would say has no boundaries. And sometimes that's seen as people who are behind walls, they may make agreements. Contracts. And then break them, say, oh yeah, sure. I'll do that. But the follow-through is lacking. Also gaslighting. Um, I think he behind walls, you may dismiss. For example, oh my gosh. I can't believe you're feeling that. Or, uh, you are just irrational. You are just crazy. So it's kind of more boundary violations like that, or here's another one. Lies of omission. You may omit important information that if your partner knew it would change things. But you happen to conveniently omit that. Let's talk about functional boundaries. So what would be functional? In regards to your productive listening boundary. You sort through what others are saying. You only take in. Thoughts or feelings? About what is true to you and you leave out the rest. So let me say that again. You sort through what others are saying to you? And you only take in or have thoughts about what is true to you. And you leave out the rest. So it's kind of like you have. A traffic light. If something is not true. You're not going to take that in. And let it affect you. If something is true, you gonna say, okay, that's valid. You do have a point there. And also. If someone says something to you and you think it's not true. Uh, way of handling this is I'm curious. About why you would say that. Let's talk about that. So in a way you're sorting through the information that other people are saying to you. Also, if your partner is having a bad day, And they are being difficult. A functional boundary, protective boundary. Would be. You know what they're saying and doing. Is less about me. And more about them. That is having a functional listening boundary. What is having a functional containing boundary. And that is. You speak clearly and in a balanced and relational manner. You release your emotions concisely. And with moderation. If you're working on a functional. Continued boundary from no boundaries or porous speaking boundaries. Uh, question for you would be before I speak before I say. This, how is it going to land for my partner? That would be a good way to practice the functional boundary. I'm going to put this chart. That I was, going off of. I'm going to put this in the show notes. And the question is. Where are you? In your relationship currently, do you need to practice? A functional listening boundary. Do you need to practice a functional speaking boundary? If you do practice functional psychological boundaries. You will feel better and your relationship. We'll also be better as well. Thank you for listening. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information