57: Let's talk about mess, do you think your partner is sloppy?

Mess is one of the content issues that come up in couples therapy.

If this is an issue for you, you can check out what you can do on your side of the relationship and what you two can do as a team.

Link to the Fair Play Card Deck.

Click here to read the blog this episode was inspired by: Couples Counseling and Your Messy Partner. 

Transcript

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Today. I wanted to talk about mess. This is a common issue that comes up in couples counseling. And do you think that your partner is sloppy? And this episode, I'll give you some things that you can do personally. On your side. As well as what you can do as a couple, check it out. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. Couples usually come into couples counseling. With, for content issues. These issues are mess. Sex money. Uh, family such as parenting differences in laws, things like that. Now, if you have one of these issues, you can rest assured that you are not alone. However, I know that doesn't help alleviate the actual pain and frustration. Um, the issue or issues. Today. I wanted to talk about the first issue I mentioned. And that is mess. I believe we all want a clean house and don't want to live in filth. How ever. Partners often have a different standard. Of cleanliness and desire to address the household mess. I want to share this concept of libido in terms of cleanliness. And I got this from the late couples and sex therapist, David snatch. And he looked at issues in terms of libido. Or desire differences. And that is one partner may have a higher sexual libido than the other. And one partner. May also have a higher libido for cleanliness than the other. And so looking at it this way. It makes it, so it doesn't pathologize the issue. I mean, there's no right or wrong to this. One person just may have it. A certain desire. for that. Area of life. In terms of mess. One way this difference can cause issues is when the person with the higher desire for clean. Assigns meaning to why the other person doesn't have the same desire. So it goes a little bit like this. You don't pick up after yourself because you don't respect me. If we have that lens on. Any dish left in the sink. Or coat being unhung can create frustration and resentment for us. I was working with a couple recently. And we were talking about this very issue and it was one of their main issues. So this one, the female partner had the higher desire for a clean. Compared to her male partner. And I said to her, Uh, he's not putting away his shoes. Doesn't make you mad. You make yourself mad. And the advice I gave her. Reminded her that she isn't emotionally powerless to her. Partner's mess. And she didn't disagree with the advice, but I don't think she loved it. Um, But. Uh, lawn that angle. The next step would be to remind her. To have empathy and understanding of her partner. And so I continued to say to her, He doesn't wake up on a mission to leave things out, to make you mad. He has some ADHD traits and a lot on his mind. So it's a lower priority for him by default. Then I turned to him. And said, you also need to have them be cute for her. Uh, clean house is calming and leads to less anxiety for her. When you don't pick up after yourself, she thinks you don't care. And then I said to the both of them. With empathy for each other. You two must tackle this issue collaboratively. That looks like rolling up your sleeves and create explicit agreements about the mess. And so this leads me to the tool. I give all couples who are struggling with the issue of mess. That is the fair play card deck. And my wife and I did this, but this tool requires each partner to agree, to be solely responsible for a certain household chore or task. So each card in the card deck is one chore or task. And you too also need to decide. On a standard of cleanliness for each chore. For example, what does it mean for that chore to be done? And partners need to address this as a team. And so this is really important because I know for this couple that I'm working with. They have different style standards of queen. And. For example, she thinks clean means something. He thinks clean means something else. And so it's really important for. The two of them they get on the same page. So say if the chore hasn't been done. The question you bring up to your partner is, Hey. I thought this was our agreement. And that sounds a lot better than saying something like, I can't believe it. If it's a dishes. It's obvious that you don't respect me and don't care about this house. So that was the work for the two of them to have empathy for each other's perspectives. And then to handle the issues collaboratively. With both partners reflecting on what can I do to help you come through for me? So in this way, we look at what we can do on our end. We are not powerless. If our partner doesn't have the same. Cleanliness desire as us. We must accept it. And we may need to grieve that fact. While we appreciate what we are getting. And so that is more of in Bolden approach. Then giving all of our emotional power. To our partner based on if they do or do not do the chores. So I think in conclusion, If you have empathy, if you handle it collaboratively, if to use the tool. You will make yourself less mad about the mess. And also. It's not about the mess. It's about how you to handle it. Thank you for listening. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information