56: 4 Things That Can Save Your Marriage

Is your marriage or relationship on the brink?

Here are four things you can do to save your marriage.

Essentially, there needs to be something different and not more of the same.

These four things are usually the most common complaints partners have.

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Transcript

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If your relationship is on the brink of divorce or breakup, here is some advice. Four things you can do to save your marriage or relationship. Welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. Number one. this is simple enough, but the first thing is do what your partner is asking. If your partner asks you to not be as angry or to drink less, do that. So the first step to this is to humble yourself and to look at your side of the relationship, you have to acknowledge the truth. Of what your partner is saying, or at the very least that what they're saying is true to them. And so if you do acknowledge that. And you do what your partner is asking. It would go a long way to get professional help. So for example, If your partner says you need to work on your anger. What about anger management classes or say you need to drink less. Um, check out an AA meeting, a 12 step meeting, give that a go. Uh, reach out to a counselor. But I've seen such efforts and changes. Literally saved marriages. Number two. Give up your need to be right. So as a couple of therapists, Nothing is more exhausting than watching couples argue over who is right or wrong. Because the thing is, and I know I shared this on the podcast. Essentially. You're both wrong. Uh, because there is no such thing as objective truth in relationships because there are two subjective realities. And one of my favorite quotes from Terry reel. I know I've shared this here. It's you can be right. Or you could be married. You can't be both. So we have to pick one. We either can be right, or we can be married. And I've seen relationships dissolve because both partners deeply desire to defend themselves and to be right at all costs. Usually they go about being right by trying to prove their partner wrong. And essentially this is a non-collaborative approach that makes you two enemies. And what you will do is you'll look out for, I got you moments to use against each other. And to pair fray. Terry reel again, the relational answer to who's right and wrong is who cares? What can we do to fix this? So instead of being right. A B. Collaborative. That's number two, number three. Express interest and listen to your partner. I often hear partners complaining that their partner does not express interest in them. The good news. This is easy to fix. And it could simply be, I'm asking them about their day or listening when they share. Now I know this is not easy. But if we can train our mind to really listen, to really be present. To really want to understand what our partner is thinking or feeling. can save a marriage. Because we all want to be heard and we want to feel connected to our partner. And giving our partner. That awareness, that attention. And that interest goes a long way. And again, the good news is that everyone can do it. And we all can practice to improve. Me. Everyone can practice to be present and to really listen to your partner. And the last one is be accountable. A lack of accountability and acknowledgement of how your actions or lack thereof. Affect your partner as a surefire way to get divorced. If we're stuck in defense and blame, when we receive any type of feedback, our partner is going to go wary of that. And eventually of us. And so what we have to do similar to number one, we have to look at our side of the relationship. Even if we don't agree with the feedback we're getting from our partner. We need to become curious about why they are giving it. And why we are hearing it. Not all relationship problems are 50 50. And it may seem unfair. Okay. Why do I gotta be accountable for this? When my partner does that. need to look at our side of it. We need to look at our percentage. Of the relationship problem in order to save it. And so when we are. Accountable. Then that means we are able to acknowledge that we have heard our partner and if we can acknowledge it and if we can convey. How our actions affected our partner. That can go a really, really long way. And here's a bonus. If we can share a plan for how we're going to avoid the action in the future. Again, that can go a long way. So the example it's, you know, Oh, dear. I'm sorry. I yelled at you. I know that. Hertz deeply. And it has in the past, I'm going to anger management class to work on this. I've you said something like that and you really mean it. And you're going to anger management class. That says a lot. That means that you're accountable. And you understand how your actions have affected your partner. And you've also shared a plan. that can go a really, really, really long way. don't want. If we're apologizing. Or we're being accountable. Sharing our intention about why we got angry. So for example, I had to say, you know, I, I, I got angry because blank, blank, blank. Um, that's fine to share our attention, but if our partner is hurt in the moment, they don't care about our intention. So, what we do is to repair in the moment and that goes just like the example. I am sorry, I'm angry. I know this has deeply hurt you in the past and it deeply hurts you now. That's how you can be accountable and that's a good way to repair. conclusion, the four things are doing what your partner ass letting go of the need to be. Right. Showing genuine interest in your partner and being accountable for your actions. And if you implement one or all of these strategies, convey commitment. To your partner, but you're willing to change. And you can literally save your marriage or save your relationship. And this may take time and your partner may not trust the changes at first. But if your relationship is on the brink, keep doing it. We don't want more of the same. We want something different. And those are four ways. You can save your marriage and put them to work. that helps. Last thing. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it. Hey everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if you gotten anything from the podcast, please give us a five-star rating and share this with someone who could benefit from. This information