36: My Wife and Kids Don't Make Me Angry... I Do? With Maryse Giroux

Coach Maryse shares how our thoughts control our emotions and thus our life.  And, how we can become aware of our thoughts to create the life we want.

We also learn how our brain works, and Maryse and I share personal struggles with raising kids. We also learn how her model can help us be better parents and partners with on-the-spot coaching where I'm the client!

Find her on Instagram: @coachmaryse/

Coach Maryse's Website

Transcript

 When I was in my twenties, I stayed at a Zen monastery for a month. One day, the teacher there said to us, your spouse doesn't make you mad. You make yourself mad. Logically, this made sense to me at the time, but where I struggle with this is putting it into practice. There's a famous quote attributed to the Buddha that goes, we are what we think.

So how about we start to think and envision how we truly want to show up as parents and partners today? Coach Maurice, who is a mindset coach for hockey moms, shares how we as parents and partners can start to become aware of the stories we tell ourselves and how looking at them through a different perspective can make it so we can create the life we  📍 want.

This is healthy Relationship Secrets for Parents.

 The podcast that saves your relationship from parenthood. My name is Jason Polk. And my mission is to help parents have a healthy relationship and be great parents at the same time. Today we are joined by coach Maryse, who is a certified life coach that helped hockey moms with all the challenges they encounter in their busy lives. 

She is here to help us understand how we create our reality through our thoughts. And how to start becoming aware of them to fully create our dream life. Coach Mayrse is first going to share her story on why she became a life coach. Let's check it out.  

Had my three boys played hockey a career, which wasn't life coaching at that point.

 and my boys  were being regular boys, but I had my middle, , one at what I would call at that point, big emotions.

And I thought that he should manage his big emotion better than that. So I was basically looking for something to help him. So,  the turning point  he was about 11 years old. He was coming back from a golf game and, went in the backyard and with, his sandwich, dug a trench my backyard and like half an hour later, I look in the backyard and I see a pile of dust, the of dirt and, and the trenched.

And I'm thinking, oh my God. What's happening?

And then my, my brain went to this can't be, he's 11 years old. If he can't manage his frustration at a golf game today, what's gonna happen when he is gonna be 16? He is gonna be a sociopath, he's gonna be homeless, he's gonna, he's gonna commit a crime. It's, I mean, it went fast.

Really fast. And at that point, uh, I'm thinking, okay, I need to do something. There's something that I need to do for that kid. , so I started to listen to podcasts and stuff like that, and I follow, I followed one podcast which had a guest, and she started to talk about how your thought create your feelings.

I'm like, huh, what are you talking about?

Yeah.

And so she started to talk about this and, and, and a model that she's using and all that kind of stuff, and I'm thinking, what, why didn't, nobody told me that before. So I joined the program thinking I'm gonna be discovering something to help my kid.

And well, while in the program, I discovered that I needed most of the help.

The kid was fine.

Yeah.

The kid was fine. The kid was a kid, and I, I, I was the one needed to change my perspective and my thought and my story about my kid, and this is where I discovered the power of coaching,

So her journey began with looking in the mirror. She realized she was actually making her son's responses worse. 

I want to know, is he still playing golf?

Yes, he is still playing golf. He's now 16 years old and he is still playing golf and hockey and, and he still has his frustration. But the difference is I am not mirroring his, emotion anymore, so I can be the one there saying. Yes, I understand when you think you should hit the little white ball and he don't, you get frustrated.

Okay, so that's a little sneak peek.  Into what you learned  can you share a little bit about that? Is that you mirroring his emotion? Did I get that right?

Yes, exactly.  I remember vividly the, the coaching call where I got coached when I called in and said, fix my kids kind of thing. And, uh, and the coach was very nice and, , very, , non-judgmental. And it was very, uh, it, it was nice, , place to just unload my brain and tell her everything that I had on my brain.

And that was all that I was telling that her was what I thought was a problem. And she pointed out to me that, All this story that I had that he should control his frustration. He shouldn't be frustrated about his golf game. Uh, he should be able to manage his emotion and all that kind of stuff. All that was creating for me frustration.

And when I was frustrated, now what was I doing with him? I was screaming at him.

Yeah. was like, Getting on his nerve and I was judging him and I was judging myself as a mother. I'm like, what did I do wrong? Why does, why can't this kid control himself kind of thing? And a lot of self-judgment, a lot of judgment of him, and no curiosity as to why are you frustrated in my

uh, yeah,

Which resulted then proving my, proving my thought that this kid can't control his emotion and he should be.

, so what you're saying is that. His, you know, him digging a trench in your backyard, which kind of, it's kind of an impressive feat. I mean, what sounds like to me. But, uh, nevertheless, him doing that, you had a story that he shouldn't be doing this, he should be able to control his emotions.

, and because he can't, this may reflect poorly on me.  And feel free to correct that I.

Yes. No, nothing. You're, you got it. You got it.

 And,

the important point is that the trench in his action, what he did was not what was frustrating me.

Hmm?

What was frustrating me was my story about his action,

Yeah.

the thought that I have, that he shouldn't be doing that, that he should be controlling his, his frustration. when I decide, when I was, when the coach pointed that to me, pointed out that to me, It kind of was a light bulb moment of saying, oh, I can think something different. What would serve me better here to be thinking?

There's power in this approach. Instead of thinking he's doomed for being this mad, and I'm a horrible parent because of it, she regained her power by thinking differently and thus responding differently. And so here's what she did with that.

No. Exactly. Being curious as to why did you, uh, dog the trenched? What, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? And, and being curious about him and not. About not making it, about me not being able to parent him correctly, that he's not controlling his emotion or anything like that, or that he's gonna end up being a criminal at 16 years old or something like that.

So when I calm my brain down, and maybe I can make a little.

Yeah, please do.

about the brain so that we can understand a little bit more, a little bit more. The brain function of the brain is to look for potential danger so that we can survive. Okay? This is the function of your primitive brain, which actually worked perfectly because we are where we are today.

If our an ancestor, the caveman didn't have that function, we wouldn't have survived. But

Thank you, caveman. Sorry. Go ahead.

Thank you gay men. Yes. But in today's world, the, the dangers are much different than they were at that point. But your primitive brain does not make the difference at this moment. So when my primitive brain saw what my son has done, had done, it went immediately to the worst case scenario as to if he's not doing that now, When he is gonna be 16, 18 years old, he is gonna be a criminal in an, in an effort for me to do something to prevent that. Now, primitive brain left unsupervised is like, is like a toddler with a knife. So you don't wanna leave that.

it.

So that's why we have the prefrontal cortex, which is your thinking brain. Where you can think in advance, you can plan and you can think on purpose and intentionally, and you can direct your, you can answer basically your own primitive brain and say, no, noted, but this is not a real danger.

Relax. So thinking about your thinking with your prefrontal cortex, Is where you get all the power to decide what to think on purpose. And this is really important because your thoughts create your feelings,

Hmm.

never the action of the other person, the word that the other person said that. Temperature outside  , all the thing outside of us that are out of our control do not have any effect on us until we have a thought about it.

, for example, my wife Jessica doesn't make me angry. I make myself angry.

Exactly.

But that's a hard pill to swallow, Maurice, cuz that means I have to be accountable.

Yes, absolutely. And you can think it's a heart pill to swallow or you can think how wonderful, because I have the full control of it.

yeah,  

 It is clear that a big part of our work is to help us live more of our life in our prefrontal cortex, where we are essentially responding in the way that we want and not reacting in a way that we may regret in the future. The thing is, the primitive part of our brain is very fast, and I ask her, how do we cultivate space between the trigger and our behavior?

  practice, practice, practice,

okay.

but no. Yes. Practice. A lot of practice. But , it's the stage of awareness as well. Like at first we are like unconscious of it. , it comes a automatically because we've been on automatic pilot, like I said, I was on automatic pilot and I was not.

, observing my thinking. I was just living through what my brain was offering me, creating my emotions, creating my experience of my work around me. So once you discover that, that all your thinking create your experience, you're like, oh, I must, it must be a good idea to pay attention to my thinking a little bit.

Yeah.

let's start

for sure. For

And the first thing to do is usually to do like a thought, download a brain dump on paper. It's the easiest way to start to observe your thinking

Hmm.

when you, when you wanna do that. You wanna do that with, , self-compassion, love, no judgment.

Hmm.

no wrong thoughts. There's no right thoughts.

So it's just to be aware of it. So the thought download is the first thing to do, and then you look at it, and then you take each thoughts that that pops out and you ask yourself, when I'm thinking this, how do I feel?

Hmm.

And just go down into your body and how do I feel? What's the emotion? Emotion in one word. Usually happy, sad, angry, frustrated, delighted. One word. And then to look at all those different thoughts and see what's my overall feeling, emotion. And does that serve? Does that serve me in this situation or not?

And you can't do it in the moment at the beginning. You will catch yourself after. And then when you catch yourself after, then you do the thought download, you look at your emotion and all that kind of stuff. And as you practice doing that, you will get better at observing your thinking, and then you will get better at catching yourself during the event. And then the ultimate is to decide in advance what you wanna be thinking in an event.

Uh. Okay.

So in some situation you'll be very good at catching yourself. During another situation, you will be you. You won't be able to catch you during, you will catch you after another situation, you'll be able to. Decide in advance and stick to the plan. In another situation, you'll decide and invest and you won't stick to the plan kind of thing, so, so that's why it's the self-love, compassion, no judgment is very important for yourself.

Give you grace while you do that, and it's a lifetime practice.

Maurice just shared a great tool with us. I really like what she shared on being nice with ourselves at this point, and I wanna highlight what she said of deciding in advance what you want to be thinking and how you wish to respond. I feel that's really important. 

Next part of our discussion, Maurice is going to personally guide me through this model.

I get really triggered, and this is with my kids. I have a five, almost five and a half and almost two. And the five and a half year old she. Doesn't like to share and very territorial with her stuff. 

, for example, maybe our, , almost two year old is playing with like a toy that happens to be her toy. And she doesn't even know that that toy was existed at the moment. And she says, I want that. And then so there's a big fight and that really triggers me. Um, and help me.

How can, how can I,

So,

okay.

So let's, let's go. So when was the last time that,  that happened? , did that happen recently?

yeah, let me see. It did, it did happen recently. I think actually either Saturday or, or yesterday.

Okay. So let's go back to that. So explain to me what happened.

So my daughter, who's five, her name's Josie, the older daughter's, Josie, she got for a birthday present and is like stuffy. That's, you put a passie into it, it'll like, well pretend like it's going to sleep. She really likes that. Um, it was just chilling on the floor and our youngest Jayla went up and started carrying it.

Mm-hmm.

, she's like really cute, right? She started carrying it and then Josie said, Hey, that's mine. And then that's the trigger for me 

so Josie says, Hey, that's mine to her sister that is carrying her, her. Okay, so what's the problem with that? Isn't, isn't it hers?

Why are you calling me on my stuff now? This jacket, um, I, I open this up. Yeah. It is hers, but at the moment, from my perspective, the problem is she wasn't playing with it. Right. She didn't even know what really existed at the time. , yeah, what's the problem? Can't you share? So that's what I'm thinking.

so you're thinking you didn't know it existed until you saw it in your sister's hands.

Mm-hmm.

Can't you share?

Yeah. And kind of like you're being sort of territorial. The only reason you, you just don't want her to have it right now. Like, that's kind of what I'm thinking.

Okay. So she is, she's being territorial.

Yeah.

Okay. And when you're thinking Josie is being territorial, when she's saying, Hey, that's mine to her

Yeah.

how do you feel?

Um, the first thing that comes to mind is angry.

Okay. And then what do you do when you're feeling angry? Thinking she's being territorial.

Well, it depends on my bandwidth. Normally,

but will that happen on Saturday?

I said, can't you just share like in kind of like a, that sort of tone? I don't know how you would describe that tone, but come on. You know, we've been through this before, but I think I literally, what I said is, oh, can't you just share Josie?

Okay. In a little bit of an exacerbated tone,

Yes. A good way to put it. Sort of like frustration. , I don't know the best way to describe that tone and, and a little bit of judgment, I think towards Josie. It's like, come on, Josie. Right?

So, judgment of Josie is five years old, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. He's five years old. Yep.

Okay. And when you're feeling angry, thinking she's territorial, when she's telling her sister, Hey, that's mine.

Mm-hmm.

What are you not doing?

Hmm. Well, I guess I'm not sitting down and maybe going down to their level, be like, Hey, how can we figure this out? Or, I'm not being a mediator. Hey, Josie, can she have it for a minute or, Maybe Jayla, she can't really speak that well. Maybe be like her. Can you give it back to Josie? And when she's done, you can have it.

Is that okay? So I'm not like being a mediator, I'm not being, you know, I'm, I'm not being an un angry dad. There's a lot of negatives there.

Un angry dad. Is that not angry Dad? So

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Like I, I, yeah.

You're being, you're being angry, dad. You're not being not angry. Okay.

So I'm not being the compassionate, right. I'm not being centered what I would like to be, you know, I don't want to be like snip, I don't like it. Right.

Okay. And why do you think you're snippy?

. I think it's because the frustration, the anger, um, and then maybe I'm snippy cuz I want her to like, understand.

, I want her to understand, can you just share, maybe that's it.

Okay, so, and why is it important for you to, for her to understand that?

Um, because, because the world is nicer if you just share and get a kind of bigger picture. But imagine if Jayla shared her stuff. And YouTube both share, and you were able to work out. You were able to negotiate, Hey, you have it for two minutes and then timer goes off. Maybe you can have it for two minutes.



Okay. So when Josie says to her sister, Hey, that's mine. When she sees her sister with her toys and you're thinking Josie's being territorial,

Mm-hmm.

you're then feeling angry and then you will tell her, can't you just share? And you're being the angry dad and you're judging your five year old for. Comments.

You're not sitting down at her level, you're not being a mediator. You're not explaining to her. So basically, you are in your own way, not being the dad that you want to be in

Hmm. Yes.

and you are being a little bit territorial about, you should know better.

Yeah. In a way, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, that I had the truth like, like my, this is my, I own the truth.

yes.

Yeah.

So it's coming up when I'm telling you that , 

that in a way I'm kind of doing the same thing she is.

yes.

Yeah, but let me ask you this. Why do you think you are angry?

that's a good question. 

Maybe cuz it's like a, there's like ruckus going on. It's like, can we all be peaceful? Right. 

Okay, now. You think you're angry because Josie said, Hey, it's mine,

Mm-hmm.

and you think that because your daughter say, Hey, it's mine. Then it causes you to tell her, oh, can't you just share and you're judging her and you're not being the dad that you want to be, I've got good news for you.

Oh yeah.

The only reason why you're being angry, And you're acting this way and you're creating this result of you being territorial of your authority is because you're thinking she is territorial.

Hmm. Yeah.

And the beautiful thing about that is that thinking your daughter is territorial is optional. So I'm, my next question is, why are you choosing to think that she's territorial?

Yeah, well I think because part of this came up cause our little, I guess you used 20 months. She's so damn cute. And, uh, well, yeah,  and, and part of it, like she can't defend herself as well. You know, maybe there's some of that. And so I need to be in a way, territorial for her too, for our youngest.

So, and that, that what we did together here is, is the model, the model that I'm using when I'm coaching all my clients, which is to take a circumstance, neutral circumstance here, being Josie says, Hey, this is mine.

. And this is a tool for awareness

Hmm.

to bring awareness to you so that you can see. The only reason why I'm feeling angry, it's because I'm thinking she's being territorial. And thinking that is optional. Now, what else would I like to think in that situation? What else would I be able to believe in this situation that would serve me better at getting to a result that I want to be at, being the dad that I want to be?

. Well, I think on that, I don't know if you're asking me, but that would be Okay. Slow down into the dead. I want to be. Let's all think about it and see if we can work this out. Right. I don't want to be the snippy dad because I'm like, I don't know how many times bigger than her and older. Right.

You know, am I, I'm, I can have a loud voice. I'm not, you know, like it's unfair. Right.

Yeah. Well that could be your, that could be a thought. I wanna be fair to my kids.

Ah. Yeah, I wanna be fair to everyone because from Josie's perspective, she thinks this is unfair.

That exercise was so cool. Maurice guided me to be aware of what I was thinking, also, what I was not thinking, which was from Josie's perspective. From Josie's perspective, the situation was unfair because that was her toy, and this also helped me consider how do I want to show up, and she also asked me to take a look at my expectations.

 

, 20 months and five years old. Should they, should they be able to? Say, oh, let me give you my timer. If I have three minutes, you can play with my doll.

And then when this goes, then you give it back to me and we play everybody happy together. Let's review your expectation.

Oh, come on. Little bit high. Too high expectations.

love. Tough love. Coaching is tough love.

Coaching is tough love. I get it.

 

  The thing as, as well with coaching is that us doing this here for your listener to listen, , they might not have the same situation as you do. But they can relate it to somewhere in their life. And this is one thing that I love about, , I'm still a member of that same group program that I am and it's group coaching.

And I will listen to a coaching call, not even get coach myself and, and really take in some good advice, some good like ideas and realization, and I can get the power of coaching without being the one being

Hmm.

A, it's a good value for your, , audience there.

totally. Well, I

Thank you for being vulnerable as well. Be, because being coached is a vulnerable place to be and to accept to do it. It's a, it's, it's a courageous thing to do.

Yeah. Well thanks for being open to do it. I know this is kind of implied,  but can you share how this model, learning this has, , affected your life?

Yes, absolutely. , well first of all, I look at everything in my life in models now

let me give you just an, the, the other example that I had about the top download with my kids. So three boys, eh,

Mm-hmm.

so it's, uh, , sometimes they can. , what's the term that they use? They're, they're tripping each other.

They're kind of nitpicking at each other or, anyway, so we're sitting at the table for, for a dinner and they're starting to, uh, talk to each other in a way that I perceive as being disrespectful. And at that point they are. I think they were 15, 13, and nine at that point. So I have the nine year olds that is be being told by his brother stuff that I consider not respectful, and he is telling them back and all that kind of stuff.

And then at some point I, I just stopped and I said, can't you just get along or can't you just talk to your each other respectfully and. And then my 15 year old at that point was the oldest, turned around and looked at me and says, well, why does that matter to you, mom? What's the problem? I'm like, Hmm,

Yeah.

question my son.

Let me ponder this. I'll come back to you.

Nice.

So I went down into my office, pulled out a piece of paper, and I put, I put on top, the boys are exchanging words now. What do I make it mean? What do I think about that? And this is what I'm talking about doing a thought, Donald. Then everything that's come up, you write it down.

They're not respecting each other. They don't like each other. I didn't do my job to, to show them how to communicate. , they won't be happy, uh, together. Uh, and when they're gonna be adult.  I have a sister with whom I am very close, and I'm thinking they won't have that, they won't have each other's back later and all the good, bad and the ugly.

You let it all out and then you stop and then you reread it

Yeah. Okay.

and then, and then I say, okay, is there another way to look at this? What else? Somebody that is not emotionally charged, like the mother. How can, how would they look at that situation if somebody from the outside would be looking at it? And I started to look at it.

I'm thinking, well, if I'm being completely honest, they do exchange word, but they're not fighting fist and, and all that kinda stuff. , I'm looking at the youngest one. He's not  crawled in a little ball in the corner crying. He's defending himself. Well, they're kind of learning how to argue their points and it's a safe space.

They're at home.

Hmm.

Their world outside is a, is a big place and they're gonna, , come into contact with people that are gonna challenge them or they're gonna question them and they're gonna have to defend their opinion and all that kind of stuff. Now they're come practicing here in a safe space at home, and they're not destroying each other. And if I'm completely honest, I know they love each other. I know deep down they're there. I know deep down they're gonna be there for each other later and they're just kids. So when I had my first thought download where I like, oh, they don't like each other, I felt sad. I felt, uh, ashamed of the way that I.

Educated them kind of thing and all that kind of stuff. And then when I had the second thought download where I'm thinking, well, they're practicing, arguing their point is it, is there a safer place to do that than home? No, they're not beating on each other. I know they love each other deep down. Then I felt at peace. So next, next dinner,  they start to fight again. But now I'm looking at it, I'm thinking, huh, let me use my second story

Yeah.

feel at peace and look at them and thinking how wonderful , that they can practice together to develop their argumentative speech

Hmm. Yeah. Well, just curious, would that be something you share? 

  Like, oh, great, how wonderful you all. Or learning how to practice

Absolutely.

Ah, cool.

Absolutely. It's kind of the running gag at the at home, uh, because they, because throughout all that, I did my coaching certification and now I'm a coach and all that, that now it's kind of the running gag at home. They're looking at me. It's like, oh, no, mom. No. I know. It's just a thought but kind, kinda thing. 

So how can we apply this approach to our relationship with our partner?

 

, something , in my toolbox that we have that we call manual.

Manuel? Yeah. Tell, tell us more.

The Yes, the manual is the all that you think that the other person should do in order for you to feel good.

Okay. I have the right to sound should do in order for you to feel good. Okay. I got it. Yeah.

Okay? And we can kind of apply that to your situation that we had with Josie There.

Yeah.

Okay. You're thinking Josie should share. She should understand. She should see that her sister is so cute. She should do all that kinda stuff in order for me to be a good dad.

Yeah. Yeah.

So just recognizing it is the first step,

Yeah.

and then realizing that. does not have that power. You have the power of being the good dad.

yeah.

So Josie can be Josie.

Yeah. Uh, and that's really important. She can be herself, you know, that's even like deeper, we're talking about sort of developmental trauma stuff

Mm-hmm.

of people trying to, like, you need to be this way for me. Right?

Yeah.

 Maurice, thank you so much for, you know, sharing this, this episode.

You know, a lot of times it's on relationships, but this one is relationships to your kids. And I think it's really important, you know this cuz we're trying to be good parents, we're trying to have a healthy relationship and so this is super, super helpful. , Maurice, anything else you would like to add?



Oh yes, absolutely. Um, well, if I, if I had one thing to add is to. Throughout all this work that you do with your clients and that I do with my clients, I think it's really important to always keep in mind, to be compassionate and give ourself grace. , I'm a coach, I'm a certified coach, and I will scream at my kids sometimes, and I will argue with my partner, and I will think that because he did that, I'm feeling angry.

We all do it. So we, it's the human experience. This is it's life, human experience, and it's not a one and done thing. Check the box. That's it.



So when we keep that in mind, we can be more compassionate and give ourself grace in the process. When we don't catch ourself during or when we do something that we are thinking, Ugh, that wasn't my best.

But that's, that's it.

Yeah.

that's, that's what I wanted to ask regarding this, because sometimes when we start to do that in observer thinking, we can be, uh, very judgmental and thinking, Ugh, I shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't do, I shouldn't be thinking that. No, you are doing what you are doing. 



And it's okay 

Coach Maurice, how can we find you and how can we work with you?

 

I'm on, , Instagram at Coach Maries. So Ma is m a r y s e. It's French. And don't be intimidated. There's stuff in French on my Instagram, stuff in English. So it's a, it's a little, uh, of both because I'm doing coaching in both languages. , I have a, my website is www.coach marries.com. And, uh, that's pretty much where I'm at.

 you can easily reach me  on any of those platform

I want to say Coach Maurice, you for the coaching. For real. No, I, no, I, I do appreciate it. I'm actually gonna apply that. I'm gonna do this, especially with the idea of, you know, how do I want to show up, which I think you can apply any sort of relationship, right?

How do I wanna show up as a husband? How do I wanna show up as a dad? And I think that's a good reminder.

Mm-hmm.

, so thank you so much and this has been very beneficial for me, and I know for the listeners as well. Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.

Well, thank you for inviting me and thank you for being, uh, willing to get coached.

 📍 It was great. You know, part of me, I was like, we can keep this going, but you know, I, I know like there's other things to talk about, so. Awesome. Well, well, thank you so much.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Hey, if this information has benefited you, 

, I would love for you to leave a review and share with those who could benefit from this information. Thank you so much for listening.