Jason Polk 0:00
I want to share with you this thinking that practice, that has been the best thing that I've done in my relationship. This thinking and practice is the best thing that I've done in my relationship. And it has to do with the relationship that I have with myself, find out what that is next.
Unknown Speaker 0:36
This is the healthy relationship secrets for parents podcast. My name is Jason Polk. And I've worked exclusively with couples for over eight years, helping them to avoid disharmony, and create more connection and passion. Thank you so much for listening. I've shared this in a previous episode. And it is the idea of being one up in a state of grandiosity, or the opposite being one down in a state of toxic shame. And this thinking comes from Terry real and pmld. If you have listened to this podcast for a little bit, you have found that I've been influenced a lot by their thinking. And I have found their thinking their frameworks to be very effective, not only for the couples I work with, but also for me as well. And if we're one up or one down, the energy behind that state of mind is contempt. And picture a vertical line at the top of the line, it's one up, and that's being grandiose, the other side of the line at the bottom is being one down toxic shame. And this is also called a self esteem scale. It's also called the contempt continuum. But if we are at the top, the contempt is going outward. We're one up, we're in grandiosity. And so the basic energy behind that is, you're an idiot, the other side, and as toxic shame that contempt is going inward. And that's, I'm an idiot, both sides of this spectrum of this continuum.
Unknown Speaker 2:28
They are a form of self preoccupation. And we can't really be relational, when we're in these places, and the healthy place to be if same as that means in that better, not less than, and the practice to get yourself back to same as saying you're in toxic shame, is to take a couple of deep breaths or to
Unknown Speaker 2:55
see if you can visualize pulling yourself up. And maybe saying to yourself, Hey, can I hold myself in warm regard, despite my imperfections. Also, if you have a partner who is open to this, a way to work with toxic shame is to simply share what's going on with you, you know, share how you're beating yourself up, share the contempt that you may be having for yourself with someone that you trust, and this is being vulnerable. And I think that act inherently is pulling yourself up to say mass. Because when we share like this, we can be connected to another person. In the spirit, it's a, we're all humans, we're all in the mix, life is hard, I totally understand you're going through a hard spot right there. And that is one way to get yourself out of toxic shame. And for grandiosity been one up, a way to get yourself out is to take a couple of deep breaths or two, and see if you can literally pull yourself back down the center. And when I do, if I'm judgmental of my wife, if I have contempt, or if I'm in a state of grandiosity, I will simply remember all the good things that she does. And that can be very helpful to come back down, get off my high horse, so to speak. Also, I can look at what is my part, and I'm going to share more about this. So this is it. This is the thinking and practice that has helped me the most. So I struggle with being in a one up position, being judgmental of my wife, Jessica. And especially if it's been a long day, I can be more likely to be in that state of mind. And so everything I'm super judgmental, whether the house is me
Unknown Speaker 5:00
SC it's her fault. If the kids are having a rough time, I'm thinking, oh my god, she did this wrong. And I would guess that the majority of you listening to this, you have an idea of what I'm talking about, you know, is kind of like self righteous indignation. If only if this was different, then we will be okay. If only you weren't so lazy, if you weren't such an idiot, whatever that is, when we are in that mind straight, or let me let me fix it. When I'm in that frame of mind, tired, just mental, irritable, and thinking that all the problems are because of my wife? Because fundamentally, that's not true. They're not all on her, you know, what is my side? And so this is what I do. See, I'm upset about the mess. I think, what is my part in this? What did I do to attribute to the mess? Did I have to leave early? I couldn't clean up after I left. Did I not do my chore? Or here's another one. If only I had more money, we can hire study cleaning service, right? But basically, I'm making so you know, what is my part is being accountable? Or if one of our daughters is upset, and I think it's just as fault, I think, what is my, what is my part in this? Maybe if I got home earlier, they would have been upset? What can I do differently. And if I'm able to come down off my high horse, and be same as then I can be relational. So let's take the idea of if the if our diners are upset, instead of me blaming my wife for this issue, and in a way, making it harder for her, take a deep breath. Remember, think, Okay, what's my side, but also bigger picture think that we are a team, we're in this together. If we're thinking, if we're, if we have the lens of grandiosity, and we have contempt for our partner, we're not being a teammate, we're being adversaries. So I come down, I think, on my part, take a couple deep breaths, I remember that we're a team. And if she's in a mix of, you know, arguing with her daughter, maybe I'll come up next to her, give her a hug, say something like, You got this, or we got this, whatever it is, but it proves that we are a team. And that action right there can be so effective, if either of you are in the middle of dealing with your kids temper tantrum. And also, if I'm in that state of mind, if I'm one up, I will tell myself, Jason, don't speak.
Unknown Speaker 8:08
Of course, maybe I can like talk, keep it casual. But say if I'm upset about you know, maybe there's a coat on the floor. And I'm in that state of mind, don't share that, I'm not going to share that, right. Because if I do, if I open my mouth and start talking, generally nothing good is gonna come out.
Unknown Speaker 8:29
However, I don't want to sweep this under the rug. So say if you know coping on the floor was really a big issue for me, then the next day, or whenever I'm in a more resource state of mind. And obviously, with just isn't a more resource state of mind, I will share that then. But I'm not going to open my mouth. If I am on my high horse, being irritable and judgmental of Jessica, I'm just not going to do it. Because what that gets in the way of that gets in the way that we are a team. And in a way, if I talk in that state of mind, Jessica is not responding to the content of what I'm saying. She's more responding to the judgmental energy. It's really hard for her to hear me if I communicate in that state of mind. So this is my practice. If I'm in that state of mind, and I'm this kind of stuck there, you know, a good night's sleep generally cures it, to speak, I'm not going to speak a practice if I'm in it, you know, maybe it's still early in the evening, and I still need to communicate. I'm going to take a deep breath or to remember all the good stuff that she does do. And I'm also gonna think what is my part in whatever thing I'm upset about, and that seems to do the trick as well. And bigger picture, and this happens, you know,
Unknown Speaker 10:00
Like I'm a morning person through and through, I'm not very good in the evening. If there's a coat on the floor, and I'm tired, chances are, I'm going to be way more upset about it. And nighttime than I am during the day. If I wake up in a coastal there,
Unknown Speaker 10:18
I'm going to pick it up and put it away.
Unknown Speaker 10:22
I'm not going to think, oh my gosh, she is so messy. Right? Is this being able to be same as the A team? Oh, she forgot to put it away. I'll put it away. Now. It's a chronic issue. And it's really bothering me that of course, I'm going to share that. And the attitude is like, hey, what can we do to make it so we don't keep stuff around. Right? And so that is the spirit. So that's it. That is the thinking and practice that from my perspective, has made our relationship so much better. Let me know what you think. And thanks for listening.
Unknown Speaker 11:07
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Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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