9: Don't let this part of you run your relationship into a ditch!

We have parts of us that don't care about relationship tools. We can learn all the tools and skills we want, but what do we do with the parts of us that don't want to us them? This podcast shares how to have a different relationship with those parts of us so we can be in the best position for our relationship and for our family. 

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to stop our maladaptive legacies, and live in congruence with the best parts of ourselves, welcome to The Healthy Relationship secrets, prepares podcasts, saving your relationship from parenthood. So the question is, how can we be great parents and have an amazing relationship at the same time? That's the question. And this podcast will provide the answers. In relationship coaching and couples counseling, there's a secret. That is we can teach you all the tools in the world. But what about when we get into those parts of us that don't give a dam about tools? That is the part of us that only cares about self protection, we can call it being triggered, whatever we want to call it. But the part of me that's like, I'm right, and you can go screw yourself. I know, you all know exactly what I'm talking about. So what do we do, Seth presented by pmld, and popularized by Terry real, and others. And that is, we have an adaptive child, or pissed off teenager part of us. It's the part of us that only cares about self protection. As I mentioned, we can call it a younger ego state. And it's the part of us that learned to adapt in stressful situation, situations, I should say, it may have been adaptive back then. But nowadays, it's maladaptive. And again, the spirit is screw you, period. Or, actually, I should say, Screw you. Explanation mark. This state of mind that I'm talking about, it doesn't have perspective, is black and white, and doesn't care about the consequences of its actions. It will throw tantrums and will say things we later have to apologize for when we're in that adult state of mind. And what I was just mentioning, the state of mind that I was sharing, it sounds a lot like a kid and minus the apologising for later, I guess it depends on how old your your kid is. And when we're in that state of mind, in that adaptive child, the younger ego state state of mind, it's the part of us that's running our relationship into the ground. Often we're responding out of our hurt, we've carried with us from other relationships, mostly our family of origin. And we may generally have a style when we're in that adaptive challenge state of mind. And that could be fight, flight, or flee. Or maybe you can have a one two combo, and let me share a little bit about mine. Mine is first fight, and then I'll go to flee or shut down. And my shutdown can last a long time. And I learned that in my family of origin, I can passively aggressively withdraw with the best of them. And in my family, we didn't really process emotions, in general, and especially after conflict. So how I adapted, I learned to shut down and put up a wall. And nowadays, through therapy through actually being a coach, this through my own work. I've been lucky enough that I can catch myself sooner. And I know that if I'm in a shutdown like that, or going to a shutdown like it, I can do something. Because I know that if I'm shut down, if I'm passive, aggressively withdrawing, I'm not doing myself any good. Or basically what I'm doing is I'm acting like a big kid. And can I pull myself out of that state of mind? And use relationship tools like a functional adult? Question mark? And the answer is yes. But first, let me share a little bit about the other state of mind, the functional adult, and that's the part of us that wants to use relationship tools that cares about the relationship that can have perspective, that can have empathy, that can be vulnerable, that can be accountable, that can convey friendliness, and when we get ourselves back into that state of mind, then we have more options. And if we function out of that state of mind, we have the choice to use relationship tools, and thus our relationship will be better, basically, is the state of mind that you're in right now. If you are really pissed off, if you are really triggered the chances of you going to this party am cast and listening is very, very low. And you may notice that I said, when we get ourselves back to that state of mind, the point is, we have control of our state. We don't have to be a victim to our wounding, we don't have to be a victim to our self protection state of mind. Because most of the time, we're not really in danger. PML Nee, who I mentioned earlier said, can we be in charge of our wounding, instead of our wounding been in charge of us? I love that. But we have the option of it, the work is the adaptive child part of us is much faster than a functional adult part of us, it senses possible danger, and then boom, self protection mode. So if we're triggered, we need to first be aware of it. So something like and we say this to ourselves, I can sense myself moving into a younger state of mind. I only care about one thing, that self protection, that's me, myself and I. And then I may turn to my partner and say, or do something like request base. For example, if I can catch myself, I can say, let's take a five minute break. And I need to come back. When I'm in a more center place, I think that can be a great move. So in a way, you as the adult, you're taking care of that younger part of you. Or you can call a timeout. Maybe if you have enough bandwidth, still, you can turn to your partner and say, Hey, let's table this talk for a little bit, I love you. And perhaps you can even move forward in a non threatening way, or maybe even ask for a hug. Again, this is easier said than done when you're starting to get triggered. But there's lots of different moves that you can make when you are aware of it. And you have committed to working on this, when you have committed to making it so those trigger parts of you are not going to be running the show all the time. Basically, what you're doing is creating more space between what happens and your response. Instead of reacting, you are now responding from the adult state of mind. Then, if you did take space, you can do something called reparent in yourself, if you do like this analogy of the adapted child, the functional adult. And if you don't like it, it's another way of stating, getting back to a centered place, which is the which is synonymous for the functional adult part of us. And taking this analogy further with the adaptive child and the functional adult in terms of reparent in ourselves. As kids, we need to nurture guidance and limits. So I can even have a conversation with that younger ego state of mind. And I can say something like, Hey, little Jason, I see you love you. And what you're doing right now isn't going to work, stop, I got this, get in the backseat. But basically, if we break it down, I am going to the observing part of myself, the prefrontal cortex, that's the adult state of mind. And that part is slower. So we have to work at it. But basically, I'm taking a deep breath, to working at getting into the functional adult state of mind. Because there, I can be relational. Basically, I'm making it so I'm a representative of that triggered part of me, and I'm not acting out of it. In doing this practice, I'm cultivating that functional part of me. And we can also call the wise adult, we can call it a stand pack and says our ambassadors are wizard mind, whatever it is, I'm making it so I wasn't unleashing my adapted child, or my pissed off teenager pardon me on my wife or my family. And basically, we do this to stop psychological violence, to live non aggressively to stop our maladaptive legacies and live in congruence with The best parts of ourselves. So let me know what you think. And if you'd like this, like and review our super duper appreciate it. Thank you so much